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| I want to see the world in a drop of water. I want to see a rainbow in a butterfly's wings. I want to send a shockwave through the world with my words. I want to twine my sentences with elegance. And snap eternity inside the frames of my pictures. I want to ooze with all the clarity and profundity of poetry, with all the wisdom that I know how to do.
Ignorance is bliss. I am blissful. I am ignorant.
But the depressed tortured souls are the ones that spin the most marvelous words.
I want to look beyond what I see.
I wish I were eloquent and profound, but maybe that just means that I would be better at whining. All I ever wanted was everything. | | |
| "this means that non-Christians can reach a certain level of fellowship and family, too."
I kind of just shriveled a little on the inside when I read this.
Excuse me? Excuse me? EXCUSE me?
This will be my unplanned thanksgiving post.
Just because I am not Christian, that doesn't mean I lack the ability to love, to be sensitive, to believe, to appreciate, and above all else, to be thankful.
I don't want to make a list of thankfulness. That's lame. That's like the 9th amendment, of how when you list things out, then you're automatically assuming that things that are not listed are rendered negligible. I don't want that. I am thankful for everything. Everything encompassing an everythingness from the extreme coziness of my new awesome-but-fashionably-retarded-pjs to to the fact that I do not have some chromosomal disorder that makes me live my life in strange sequences (yes I have been reading The Timetraveler's Wife) because that is just really really extremely messed up. All the normal thankful-ness lists are kind of perfunctory and boring after a few years anyway.
I've been sick for the last few weeks. And I don't know when I'll get better.
I can legitimately say I am thankful for being alive.
Thank you modern technology for preserving a specimen that Darwinian standards, is not fit to grace this earth. Thank you parents, for not being religious Jehovah's Witness freaks. Thank you whim and luck for bringing me where I am, and making me who I am, today. | | |
| if I had a shooting star to wish on, a rainbow, anything, I would use it on my health.
not my life. not my future success. not my relationships.
because those are things that don't mean anything unless you work for them.
but health.
i would give so much if my lungs could just freaking dissolve this mucus.
honestly.
in today's day and age, i am honestly honestly worried for my health right now.
i hate coughs. but it's even worse when nothing comes up.
what would i give.
break revised schedule: practice clarinet like freaking mad
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| Things to do for break (and onwards):
- play piano (working on those pieces that my piano prodigy friends are trying to teach me, haha).
- draw and play clarinet
- badminton
- clarinetbadmintonartclarinetbadmintonart
- hang out people
- learn legitly awesome words
- possibly read the dictionary
- and cool books in general
- grow out awkward lego-hair haircut
- master the art of not sleeping and taking care of myself without getting sick
- shenanigans
- take pictures! (I have not been camera-stalking at Davis yet. This is blasphemy.)
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I think I like it better without words. Or maybe it's because I just put them on so sloppily. :\
Inevitable by Anberlin makes me want to close my eyes and remember although I honestly don't remember "when we were just kids" and magical things happened.
I talked to my stuffed animals. That was all. I never had imaginary friends, never ruled kingdoms or flew or talked to aliens or anything. Either I had a deprived childhood, or some people just had charmed ones.
Whatever. I think I was too stupid to think back then. Even now, my coherency is like, 90 billion miles behind everyone, and it seems like my perception of life is 2 years over due, and I'm spending all the time in the world going "aha" but then realizing it's nothing special because all I'm doing is playing catch up.
That doesn't explain my lack of childhood. It just explains my lack of LIFE in general.
Kind of a bummer.
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